Recently I posted a video on social media where I was wearing my signature style of statement sunglasses, and I received a critical comment about them. It stung for a minute because I am a human being, and I have feelings. And then I moved on with my life because I don’t care about that person’s taste in eyewear.

There are many older versions of me that would have cared way too much.

I saw it while mindlessly scrolling through my Instagram feed. Intrigued instantly slapped me across the face as I read about a White Lotus Thailand themed murder mystery dinner party.

Do it.

I am my intuition’s bitch, so I immediately went to the event page to sign up. There were two options: participant and spectator.

Sign up for participant.

No, Intuition. I don’t want to participate. I’d rather hide and watch.

Do it.

In 2021, my neighbor, Maria, lent me her copy of The Storyteller: Tales of Life & Music by Dave Grohl. I have read countless memoirs and listened to podcasts and other content of famous and successful people, but this one was different. And it wasn’t because the chapter structure was a creative genius work of art unlike anything I have ever experienced or because his storytelling was curiously specific and mesmerizing.

In early 2017, my boyfriend broke up with me for someone else, and shortly thereafter, my dad passed away. I was 37 years old and had spent every single one of those years running away from my feelings because the underlying shame and belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved was too painful to acknowledge. But with two grief-triggering events so close together, the floodgates opened, and I was forced to face my feelings. I spent the remainder of the year feeling like a hopeless zombie because I didn’t know anything about emotional regulation, and I didn’t understand that a different way of living, or even being happy, was available to me.

“Other People are not Medicine” -Amy Poehler

Have you ever used someone else for emotional support? There is no shame in answering “yes,” because let’s just say…I understand.

In 2017, my boyfriend broke up with me to be with someone else and shortly after, my dad passed away. After my dad died, I was so distraught and desperate for answers that I went to a Spiritual Medium. In our session, she was able to give me messages from my dad, which provided the closure I needed. However, at the end of the session, The Medium touched on my ex-boyfriend.

My healing journey began in earnest when I was 40. Older versions of me would say it started in my late 20’s when I found myself in the metaphysical section of a small bookstore in Chicago and picked up a copy of Ask and It Is Given. I had heard about manifesting but didn’t know much about it. The energetic pull to the book was too strong to ignore, and I devoured the entire book within days. This was 2007, when spirituality was still relatively woo-woo, but it spoke to my soul and it was the beginning of a well-intentioned, yet misguided healing journey.

I feel like something is wrong with me. Maybe following this path is how I can fix myself.

When I was in my early 30s, I had a six-figure job, owned a condo, ran marathons faster than most others in my age group, and had a packed social calendar, but despite looking successful on paper, inside, I was falling apart and didn’t know why. I started listening to Tony Robbins CDs, practicing yoga, reading all the self-help books on the shelf, and even tried going to a Buddhist temple and meditating on a cushion until my legs fell asleep, all hoping to find peace. And yet, there was still something missing.

When will I be happy?