Why I Don’t Believe in Forgiveness (and What Healed Me Instead)
I ran the 2011 Chicago Marathon in 3 hours and 31 minutes. My goal was to finish under 3:30. I didn’t miss my goal by 1 minute. I missed it by 1 minute and 48 seconds. And as a perfectionist, I didn’t see the 26.2 miles I conquered. I saw a 1-minute and 48-second failure.
Instead of celebrating, I punished myself. I ran harder, longer, and eventually burned myself out to the point I physically could not run long distances anymore.
Fast forward to a few years ago, and I was stuck in the same pattern, only this time with forgiveness.
There were several people who had hurt me. Deeply. And I wanted to forgive them so I could stop hurting. But no matter how much I tried, it didn’t click.
I didn’t understand what forgiveness meant and why I was having such a hard time doing it, even though I wanted to. So, I looked it up in the dictionary:
forgive
[fer-giv]
Phonetic (Standard)IPA
verb (used with object)
forgave, forgiven, forgiving.
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
to grant pardon to (a person).
to cease to feel resentment against.
to forgive one's enemies.
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of.
to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
"Forgive" Dictionary.com, Accessed 17 Sept. 2025
This didn’t sit well with me. It felt like letting the other person off the hook.
I researched as much as I could only to find similar definitions. And any advice about it stated that you have to forgive someone to heal your anger and resentment. None of this resonated with me at all.
What they did was not okay. I didn’t deserve it.
A huge breakthrough happened when I heard a quote from Will Smith:
"We don't forgive ourselves for stuff, and it makes it impossible for us to forgive other people."
That resonated with me. I wasn’t sure why, but I was desperate to learn this elusive forgiveness thing, so I practiced. And when I started to forgive myself for beating myself up for not being "enough," for torturing my body through grueling exercise and staying in toxic relationships because I didn't love or respect myself, and for the countless other mistakes I have made in my life, like punishing myself for not being perfect.
I suddenly started seeing myself as a human being: scared, unknowing, and doing the best that I knew how at that time. This is when I truly understood what self-compassion meant. After a while, I realized that my resentment toward others had melted away.
And it happened because I was focused on myself and my healing, not on anything or anyone outside of me.
I don’t believe in forgiveness. Not in the way it’s usually taught. Your healing has nothing to do with anyone else, and it is possible to heal anger and resentment without forgiving someone else.
What you can do is acknowledge your own pain and take the steps to heal it.
That’s where freedom lives.
Glow Tip:
When you catch yourself holding on to anger, pause and ask: “What part of me needs my compassion right now?”
It’s never about the other person. It’s about the places in you that are still waiting to be loved.
If this landed with you, I’d love to hear—who do you actually need to forgive right now? (Hint: it might be you). Hit reply and share, or if you’re ready to go deeper, come join me inside Shine from the Inside! coaching where we release self-abandonment and build unshakable inner peace together.
https://www.runninginslippers.com/work-with-me
With love and fire,
Angie
