The Lesson I Learned on the Bathroom Floor
“Other People are not Medicine” -Amy Poehler
Have you ever overused someone else for emotional support? There is no shame in answering “yes,” because let’s just say…I understand.
In 2017, my boyfriend broke up with me to be with someone else, and shortly after, my dad passed away. After my dad died, I was so distraught and desperate for answers that I went to a Spiritual Medium. In our session, she was able to give me messages from my dad, which provided the closure I needed. However, at the end of the session, the Medium touched on my ex-boyfriend.
Below is an excerpt from Chapter 5 of my book Running in Slippers, which describes the conversation:
I reach for more Kleenex and give her the Cliff Notes version of Marc— the trauma bond, my co-dependency on him even though he didn’t treat me the way I deserved, how he always gave me the silent treatment, and how he ultimately kicked me to the curb for Julia. Up and down, around and around, and off and on for the better part of eight years, but the last four being the worst because instead of accepting that he wasn’t capable of being in a loving, committed relationship, I tried to convince him to change. Luna basically tells me I need to get over him, which I already know, but can’t and don’t want to accept. We are almost at the end of the hour session, and I haven’t asked any questions yet, but there is one burning question that I am desperate to know the answer to. “Why didn’t Marc choose me?”
“Do you really want to know?” Her tone is challenging.
Maybe I don’t.
Curiosity killed the cat. I nod yes.
“Because you didn’t accept him for who he is. She does.”
I have a breakdown right in front of Luna. I don’t think I have ugly cried in front of anyone before. The worst part is, I know she’s right. Instead of walking away, I wanted to change him into someone who loved and accepted me unconditionally. Even though I have the closure I need with Dad, my heart feels even more damaged and raw than it did before. Before leaving Luna’s, she gives me a carnelian bracelet, an orange crystal for courage, vitality, and confidence.
I go home to work for the rest of the afternoon. Before logging back in, I go to the bathroom. As I splash cold water on my face, a tornado of emotions erupts and is so intense that I collapse on the floor. The shame is debilitating. I feel shame for the role I played in the dysfunction with Marc. I feel shame for not accepting him for who he was. I feel shame for not having the self-respect to walk away on my own. The cold, hard truth is that it’s my fault I am grieving Marc and Dad at the same time because even though my hands were raw and bleeding from holding on, I didn’t have the courage to walk away from Marc a long time ago because I was too afraid of being alone. I’m not grieving Marc. I am grieving being alone.
This is why I don’t deserve to be loved.
The shame comes to the surface but doesn’t leave, so I wallow in it on the bathroom floor for two whole hours.
Even though the awareness that I was using Marc for emotional support brought up so much shame, it was one of the most valuable lessons in my entire life because I also became aware of how I had frequently been using other people to be the things that made me happy. I hadn’t been taking accountability for my own internal happiness. Even worse, I was hurting people in the process.
How can you tell if you are overusing someone else for emotional support?
This list is not exhaustive, but these are the red flags within my past experiences that were the most common:
1. I didn’t accept others for who they were (because I wanted them to be what I needed them to be).
2. If they wanted time alone, I took it personally (and sometimes, didn’t respect their boundaries).
3. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I thought of myself.
4. I felt anxious when I didn’t hear from them.
5. I struggled with being alone and made others responsible for keeping me company.
6. I would cancel plans or rearrange my schedule to spend time with them.
Wow, that felt embarrassing to type out, but the good news is I very rarely fall into these bad habits anymore. All of this was solved by doing the inner work and going to the root of why I was doing what I was doing, because our subconscious beliefs are what dictate our behaviors. Best of all, I learned about emotional regulation. Now, I don’t feel like my emotions paralyze me, and when they do feel overwhelming, I have internal tools to cope. (Coming soon, I will share my Anxiety Slayer 90-second power move to feel safe in your body after years of anxiety attacks)
When you are full and happy within yourself, you don’t need someone outside of you to make you happy; they are only enhancing your experience.
You deserve to be happy.
Glow Tip:
Become the emotional support system you’ve always searched for in others.
Start each morning by asking yourself, “What do I need today to feel safe, seen, and supported?” Then give it to yourself, whether it’s journaling, a walk in nature, a playlist that lifts your soul, or simply saying “no” to something that drains you. The real glow up isn’t about changing your appearance or chasing validation, it’s about becoming so emotionally aware that love and support from others feels like an enhancement, not a lifeline.
You don’t just deserve to be loved, you deserve to feel whole, even when you’re alone.
Watch the video version here
Craving deeper?
Dear Radiant Soul,
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Angie
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