Perfectionism is Finishing the Puzzle and Not Even Enjoying One Piece.
Recently, I noticed that my windows were dirty. Washing my windows is one of those things where I make a big deal about it in my head, but then once I actually do it, it doesn’t take as long as I had imagined, and I even find it enjoyable if I am listening to music or a good podcast.
Despite being very aware of my tendency to catastrophize this task, I almost always procrastinate when it occasionally happens. In the thinking-about-it stage, I get all-or-nothing tunnel vision and put pressure on myself to do it all at once, when the truth is I could do it over two to three days to make it more manageable. I get so overwhelmed with anxiety that I find something distracting to avoid starting altogether.
This time, it was putting together a puzzle. This puzzle was a gift I received, oh, I don’t know, at least six months prior, and I never had any desire to start it until the windows were noticeably dirty. So suddenly, I became fixated on the puzzle with an insatiable urge to put it together. I eagerly grabbed the box that boldly stated that the puzzle was five hundred pieces.
Okay, that will probably take about five hours.
Keep in mind that I hadn’t put together a puzzle in at least thirty years and honestly had no idea how long it should take or what a normal time is. I just made up that number and became hyper-focused on it.
The first thing I did was separate all the pieces. The puzzle was a layout of twenty different kinds of butterflies. I made a pile for each butterfly, and then created a pile for the border pieces.
When I looked at the time and saw that it took forty-five minutes to simply organize, I was horrified. My heartbeat sped up. I immediately started beating myself up because I was already falling behind my arbitrary goal of a five-hour finish time.
This is taking way too much time.
I should have been able to do that faster.
I started on the border and quickly realized that I was missing some pieces, presumably because they were mixed in with the butterfly piles somewhere.
I can’t even separate the pieces right.
I’m an idiot.
I had to stop the first session after an hour because I had so much anxiety about setting an unrealistic standard and then beating myself up over it. It was making washing the windows sound like a Zen spa day.
I quickly recalibrated to functional adult mode and realized how deep I had been pulled into perfectionism. I focused on self-compassion because I was doing the best I could to put together a puzzle for the first time in thirty years. And out of five hundred pieces, misplacing a few border pieces in the middle piles wasn’t that big of a deal.
Also, I checked myself on the arbitrary five-hour goal. I was determined to enjoy the process and let it take as long as it took to finish the puzzle.
The next day, I put together the rest of the puzzle in only two hours. However, the entire process still felt ridiculous because instead of enjoying being in the moment, I was focused on the result.
What Perfectionism Actually Is
Perfectionism isn’t about having high standards. It’s having unrealistic standards and beating yourself up for not meeting them.
It’s procrastinating because you are terrified that you won’t do something perfectly, and if you aren’t perfect, that means you are inherently flawed as a human being.
It’s catastrophizing because you obsessively fear failure, and even small errors cause paralyzing anxiety.
It’s all-or-nothing thinking because one minor mistake causes imperfection, and then what’s the point if you can’t be 100% perfect?
It’s excessive self-criticism and viewing mistakes from shame about who you are, instead of opportunities for learning and growth.
It’s trying to ease anxiety by being perfect instead of understanding that the dysfunctional pattern of fighting against the imperfection of human beings is what’s actually causing the anxiety.
It’s avoiding new challenges or opportunities because you don’t feel competent or worthy.
It’s only focusing on the result and not the wins and lessons along the way, which is where the real growth is.
Where Perfectionism Comes From
None of us was born perfectionists. We developed it as a survival strategy.
At its core, perfectionism is you chasing safety in your body. You’re working so hard to finally feel calm, grounded, okay. But it never gives you the relief you’re looking for.
Because if perfection worked, you’d feel calm by now.
I grew up with an overly critical mother. I developed perfectionistic tendencies to avoid criticism. It didn’t work. I was still criticized, but it gave me some sense of control in a helpless situation.
And if this resonates because you had caregivers who made you feel like you could never do anything right, that had nothing to do with who you are as a person.
That had everything to do with them being miserable in their own lives. You didn’t deserve that, and it’s not your burden to carry anymore.
Here’s the thing. You’re not a perfectionist, you’re not Type A, and you weren’t born this way. Perfectionism is what happens when love was inconsistent as a child or teenager.
When affection, praise, or attention depended on how well you behaved, how well you performed, or whether you succeeded, your nervous system adapted.
It learned:
If I do this right, I’ll be safe.
If I don’t mess up, I won’t be rejected.
If I’m perfect, I’ll be loved.
That’s survival mode.
Why It Never Feels Like Enough
The good news is that once you become aware of this, you can do something about it.
Perfection never works. First of all, because it’s impossible to be perfect. But more importantly, because when you impose perfect standards on yourself, the standards keep moving because that’s what your nervous system is familiar with.
Tell me if this sounds familiar:
· You hit the goal, but you don’t even enjoy it because you immediately raise the bar.
· You get praise, but you don’t enjoy it because you’re bracing for when it disappears.
· You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
· You succeed, but instead of joy, you feel pressure to maintain it.
It’s exhausting. And honestly, it’s an unhappy and unfulfilling way to live.
This is why rest feels unsafe, why happiness and joy feel earned or sometimes not even allowed, and why you can’t relax even when things are good.
You’re not even enjoying your life because you are too busy managing it.
A Different Way to Live
Rest, joy, happiness, and peace are things you deserve. Not just because you’re worthy, but because it feels good to feel safe in your own body.
It may not be familiar, but once you learn this way of living, it feels so much better.
If you feel on edge, unhappy, unfulfilled, and exhausted, there is another way to live. I used to live in a constant state of hypervigilance. I genuinely didn’t believe happiness or fulfillment was available to me.
Now I’m on the other side, and it’s clear as day. I had to take accountability for my behaviors and make changes, but it is possible.
If I can do it, anyone can.
You deserve to be happy and loved for who you are, quirks and all.
Glow Tip:
This is something simple you can start implementing in your day-to-day life.
The moment your critical inner voice kicks in, maybe saying “I need to do better” or “that wasn’t good enough,” don’t ignore it. Just notice it. Then ask yourself:
What am I afraid will happen if I’m not perfect?
If you make a mistake, what do you think will really happen? Will you be rejected? Will you disappoint someone? Will you be seen as not enough?
You’ll start to notice a pattern. A lot of these fears are tied to external approval or to something from your childhood that isn’t even relevant to your adult life anymore. And simply seeing that can begin to loosen these beliefs.
When you start questioning your motivations, you’ll see that most of them are rooted in one or two core limiting beliefs. And when you reprogram those, everything starts to change.
That’s why in my Glow Method, the G stands for going back to childhood. We uncover the belief that’s driving the wheel and reprogram it at the root. The shifts can be immediate.
Once you understand why you do what you do, you can change your behaviors. And when you change your behaviors, your beliefs begin to shift. And that’s how your entire life starts to turn around.
And that’s what it means to shine from the inside.
https://youtu.be/O1EHhVc7yRM
If This Hit, Here’s Your Next Step
Welcome to The Self-Compassion Reboot, a 3-day healing experience (plus a powerful Day 0 primer and a Bonus Day 4) designed to help you break the cycle of perfectionism, soften your inner critic, and reconnect with the real you.
Inside this YouTube playlist, you’ll learn how to:
· regulate your nervous system and create emotional safety
· turn mistakes into learning instead of shame
· transform “flaws” into strengths with self-understanding
· see yourself with clarity and compassion — not criticism
· reconnect with your intuition instead of your inner critic
Each video builds on the last, guiding you through:
Day 0 — The truth about perfectionism and your inner critic
Day 1 — Awareness + nervous system regulation
Day 2 — Reframing mistakes as learning
Day 3 — Transforming self-judgment into self-understanding
Bonus Day 4 — Reclaiming what you love about yourself Take your time.
Move at your own pace. There is no race, no grading, and no “falling behind.”
Watch the playlist here:
https://youtu.be/Q2QoWnB8yIk?list=PLtihsVOp1d0pHBuWWrF1-SkZqhY6MZefg
You are safe now.
With Love & Fire,
Angie
Angie Hawkins is The Inner Glow Coach who helps women stop chasing love and approval and start radiating confidence from within.
She works with women who’ve done therapy, read the books, and tried the spiritual path, but still feel stuck in people pleasing, self-abandonment, and survival mode.
Through deep inner work, nervous system regulation, and identity-level transformation, Angie helps women raise their standards, trust themselves, and live in integrity, without fixing or changing who they are.
