Your Nervous System Doesn’t Give a Shit About Your Vision Board. It’s Still Trying to Protect You From the Last Time You Were Seen.
When I was little, I didn’t just feel painfully shy. I physically tried to disappear.
Being around strangers, even other kids my age, felt terrifying.
When I was in pre-school, my mom would drop me off, and I would walk into the building by myself (this was the 80’s). I would stand just outside the classroom door, summoning the courage to go join the other students. A lot of times, my self-hype-up was interrupted by other students arriving, so I would piggyback on their entrance so that all eyes weren’t on me.
Looking back, I understand why. I don’t have a lot of memories from my childhood, but I remember my mother constantly criticizing my appearance, preferences, or behaviors.
It was also an unspoken rule not to outshine my older sister. I learned how to read before she could, and my mom told me not to read in front of her because she didn’t want her to feel bad. From that moment on, I also recall being criticized for celebrating myself for almost anything in front of her.
Despite an intense, paralyzing fear of being seen and criticized, I desperately wanted to be seen for who I was.
My parents never really cared to get to know me and constantly projected their expectations of what they wanted me to be on me, so even though I lived in the same house as them and my sister until I went away to college, I always felt a black hole of loneliness in my heart because the people who loved me never really knew me.
And outside of the home, I was too afraid to let anybody get to know me, so I held myself hostage in my self-imposed prison of hiding and playing small.
The first time I ever remember truly being seen was when I worked at Sara Lee in Chicago. The corporate culture was deplorable, but I was grateful because my team was amazing and we were all friends in and out of work. One time, one of my co-workers/friends, let’s call him Mateo, said to me, “You want life to be perfect, so you don’t have to deal with the challenges.”
Initially, I felt horrified because not only did he have the seemingly supernatural ability to analyze my inner world, but he also absolutely nailed it. I mean, we did work in financial analysis, but this was highly impressive outside of the spreadsheets. Yet, it was also comforting that I felt understood.
I felt exposed, yet safer than I have ever felt.
Looking back, this was also the beginning of my half-ass healing journey (as opposed to my healing journey in earnest) because I was able to reflect on his comment, see that I had inherited my mom’s belief and behaviors, and actually started to implement behaviors that were more resilient instead of controlling.
The second time I remember truly being seen was with Ozzy. If you don’t know who Ozzy is, I go into excruciating and vulnerable detail in my book Running in Slippers, so I won’t get into it much here. Although I didn’t even divulge all the details in the book about how he made me feel seen because he could pick up on micro body language and tell how I was feeling.
Again, it was horrifying yet intoxicating because I had been through so many shitty things in the years leading up to that. This added to the complex layer of betrayal of the plot twist ending of that situation.
The third time I ever remember being truly seen was just this year.
I took voice coaching. Not “speak slower, this is how you breathe, stand up straight, this is what vocal cords are” voice coaching. Like, full-on Voice Whisperer voice coaching.
It was a group coaching program, and on our very first call, without knowing anything about me, other than listening to the sounds of my voice, our fearless leader, Voice Whisperer coach, said,
“It sounds like somewhere along the way you learned that it wasn’t safe to shine. Like your mom couldn’t handle your light, so you learned to make yourself smaller to avoid being criticized.”
Holy f*&king shit.
My heart dropped to my stomach. Part of me felt too embarrassed to ever show up again, because who knew what the hell else she would uncover.
I get it that my mom may have loved me, but treated me like she didn’t like me. We don’t have to poke the bear. Just fix my voice already.
But again, I also felt safe knowing that I was getting coached by someone who truly saw me and genuinely wanted to help me.
This coaching was so valuable that I am now becoming certified to be a practitioner and help other people because this is what I have learned:
We all want to be seen for who we really are. The problem is, if being seen doesn’t feel safe as a child, our subconscious spends adulthood making sure nobody ever truly does.
We develop protective behaviors that keep us just visible enough to function, but never vulnerable enough to be fully known. And your voice is usually the last part to let go of the story our subconscious is desperately clinging to.
Mateo, Ozzy, and Tracy didn’t just see me. They helped me realize that I was afraid of what being seen had meant when I was a little girl: criticism, comparison, being told I was too much, and learning that celebrating myself made other people uncomfortable.
So, my nervous system came up with a brilliant solution. Hide!
Not completely. Just enough. Enough to stay employed, have friends, look successful on paper, but never enough for someone to truly know me.
That same story didn’t just affect my confidence. It affected my net worth. Because women who don’t feel safe being seen don’t negotiate the raise, they rehearse asking for it in the shower, then walk into their boss’s office and say, “I completely understand if the budget’s tight,” in a sing-song-y little girl voice.
They stare at the Director role on LinkedIn for twenty minutes, then close the tab because they only have nine of the ten qualifications.
They spend eight months choosing fonts and colors, while the woman with the Comic Sans and black and white website is fully booked.
They tell themselves they’re waiting until they’re “ready.” They’re not. They’re waiting until being seen finally feels safe.
If it wasn’t safe to be fully seen as a child, why would your nervous system suddenly believe it’s safe to be seen asking for more money?
And if being seen isn’t safe, then neither is speaking. So, we end all our sentences like a question instead of a statement to soften them, our voice gets stuck in our throat and jaw, we talk fast to get it over with, over-explain, hesitate, overthink the words, and apologize before asking a question.
It also affects relationships.
Because if someone truly sees me…what if they leave?
So, we abandon ourselves first, and we become the helper, the low-maintenance one, the strong one, the one who always has it together, the one who always gives, while quietly disappearing.
The irony is that the thing we fear most is also the thing we crave most. Because think about your favorite people, the ones you feel safest with, the reason you love them isn’t that they think you’re impressive or perfect.
It’s because they see YOU. Not the polished, productive, people-pleasing version.
And that’s what healing actually is. Letting the real you be seen. Because once it’s safe to be seen, it becomes safe to ask for more, receive, use your voice, and build relationships based on who you are instead of who you think you have to be.
This is why I get so fired up about this work. Because I don’t give a shit if you make another $100,000. If you’re still the woman who’s apologizing before every sentence, shrinking herself in every room, and asking everyone else for permission to exist, then that’s not freedom.
That’s why rewriting our stories changes everything. Because the story is never just about money. It’s about whether we believe it is safe to freely exist as ourselves.
And that’s a story worth rewriting.
Glow Tip:
This is something simple you can start implementing in your day-to-day life.
This week, pay attention to where you disappear. Notice the tiny moments when you make yourself smaller.
✦ Maybe your boss says, “Great job leading that meeting.” And instead of saying, “Thank you,” you reply, “Honestly, the team did all the work.”
✦ Maybe you’re halfway through sharing an idea in a meeting, then someone interrupts you, and you never circle back because “it’s probably not important anyway.”
✦ Maybe someone asks, “So… what exactly do you do?” And instead of confidently answering, you ramble for three minutes, laugh awkwardly, and somehow make yourself sound less qualified than you actually are.
Don’t judge yourself. Get curious. Ask yourself:
“What am I protecting myself from right now?”
Not, “What’s wrong with me?”
But, “What happened that taught me it wasn’t safe to be seen?”
Because your nervous system isn’t trying to ruin your life. It’s trying to protect the version of you that once believed being seen came with a cost.
Today, you get to remind her that she’s safe. Maybe not by making the biggest, bravest move. But by making one tiny decision that she wouldn’t have made yesterday.
✦ Post the LinkedIn post you’ve had sitting in your drafts since March.
✦ Reply, “Thank you. That means a lot,” instead of self-deprecating humor or explaining why the compliment isn’t true.
✦ Send the proposal with your real price instead of discounting it because you’re afraid that they’ll say no.
✦ Say, “Actually, I’d love to,” instead of, “Only if it’s not too much trouble.”
Because every time you choose visibility over hiding, you’re teaching your nervous system that the world you’re living in today isn’t the one you survived as a child.
Stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
Start asking, “What story am I living?”
Every behavior leaves a clue. Every clue points to a story. Every story can be rewritten.
And that’s what it means to shine from the inside.
The Most Expensive Story You’ll Ever Believe Is the One You Don’t Know You’re Living.
Imagine realizing…
You didn’t talk yourself out of applying for the promotion because you lacked confidence. You talked yourself out of it because some part of you still believes you have to be 110% qualified before you deserve to be seen.
You didn’t spend $286 at Target because you “have no self-control.” You were trying to soothe a nervous system that never learned how to feel safe.
You didn’t apologize before asking for a raise because you’re polite. You apologized because somewhere along the way you learned that taking up space came with consequences.
You weren’t born this way. You were following a story you inherited before you were old enough to question it.
That’s exactly what happened inside The Money Story Rewrite.
Over three days, I uncovered the invisible beliefs that have been making your financial, career, visibility, and relationship decisions on autopilot.
Because once you can finally see the story, you stop believing it’s the truth.
Inside the replay experience, you’ll discover:
• The exercise that reveals exactly how much your inherited money stories have already cost you. For many women, it’s hundreds of thousands (or even millions) in missed raises, opportunities, and earning potential.
• Why receiving money and keeping money are often blocked by two completely different stories, including the client who nearly doubled her salary only to discover she didn’t actually feel safe having more money.
• Why “rich people are greedy” isn’t a money belief, it’s an identity belief, and how separating money from morality can completely change your relationship with abundance.
• How to become an Identity Detective so you stop asking, “Why the hell do I keep doing this?” and start uncovering the subconscious stories behind your overthinking, undercharging, impulse spending, people-pleasing, and hesitation.
You don’t need another budgeting app sending you guilt-inducing notifications. You don’t need another journal prompt asking, “What would your highest self do?” You don’t need another crystal sitting next to your laptop waiting to manifest a promotion.
You need to stop letting a six-year-old version of you make forty-year-old financial decisions.
If you’re ready to stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking,
“What story has been quietly running my life?”
I’d love for you to watch the replay.
Because the most expensive story you’ll ever believe is the one you never realize you’re living.
With Love & Fire,
Angie
https://www.innerglowbyangie.com/
Angie Hawkins is The Inner Glow Coach who helps successful-on-paper women rewrite the money stories that have been limiting their voice, visibility, and earning potential so they can become the woman who knows exactly what she’s worth and finally create a life that feels as good as it looks.
Through her signature GLOW Method, Angie combines money story rewriting, identity work, practical money strategy, and real-time action to help women stop playing small, use their voice with confidence, and become the kind of woman who naturally attracts more money, opportunities, visibility, and fulfillment.
She is the author of Running in Slippers, a raw and vulnerable memoir about finding resilience after emotional rock bottom.
Angie has moved from Chicago to Hawaii on her own, jumped out of a helicopter and into the ocean Navy SEAL-style, bungee jumped, skydived, and cliff jumped, yet is still terrified about allowing herself to be seen.
