How to Stop Treating Yourself Like Your Needs Don’t Fucking Matter

I used to hear people say things like Life is happening for you, not to you! or Happiness is a choice! And I would roll my eyes thinking it was total bullshit.

I was raised in a victim mentality home, meaning I was taught that bad things are constantly happening and we are powerless against them. It was always someone else’s fault or something happening “out there.”

This naturally turned into learned helplessness. Even after moving out of my parents’ house to go to college, I spent many more years not feeling accountable for my own life. Everything felt reactive and out of my control.

And there were definitely no lessons on emotional regulation, so I would always find socially acceptable ways to numb out my emotions, like overexercising and under-eating. In addition to feeling like the world was against me, I turned against myself too.

And that second part took me much longer to recognize.

I had a sinus infection last week.

I know that’s not a sensational news flash to you. But it was to me because for the first time in my forty-six years of existence, I rested. Again, that may not seem significant to you. But it was a monumental sign of growth for me.

When I felt the face pressure and sneezing coming on full force (and I am not a cute sneezer. I sneeze so hard it hurts my lungs), I had a thought: Maybe this sinus infection is here for a reason.

I didn’t obsessively search for the reason (also a huge sign of my personal growth!) I simply intuitively leaned into the experience. The first thing that came to me was that I should take a few days off from working and working out.

This decision came with a ton of resistance.

Growing up, love or approval came easier when I achieved, helped, or made myself useful. So, I became responsible, independent, and resilient. My mom would always exclaim, “I never have to worry about you!” as if a huge burden had been lifted off her shoulders. As a little girl, that made me proud, but as an adult, that’s really fucking sad. As a child, I needed someone to worry about me.

This hyper independence became my trademark for my own self-abandonment. I became so good at taking care of myself that nobody had to notice when I needed care. Eventually, I stopped noticing too. Even when I started my emotional healing journey in earnest, it became one of the hardest parts of me to heal, even to this day.

I don’t ever recall taking time off both gasp work AND exercise to give my body the rest it needed to heal.

And in the lung-bursting, pressure-in-my-face, mouth-breathing stillness of doing absolutely nothing, I had an even deeper realization.

I learned that my body was something to push through and ignore, not something worthy of love and respect.

Growing up, most of my mom’s attention went to my half-sister, who is a year and a half older than me. I’m not totally sure why. I have theories, but I’ll probably never know for sure.

Regardless, my sister quickly learned that if she was sick, she could efficiently gain dedicated attention from our mom, who was a nurse and thrived on people being physically dependent on her.

But her nursing instincts were not abundant, so if I were sick, she rarely took me to the doctor. She would simply buy cold remedies over the counter. Yet, my sister was constantly ushered to the doctor’s office and emergency room for even a headache. I even had to go to school when I was sick. Very rarely did my mom call out for me, yet my sister got off the hook a lot.

I learned very quickly that being sick did not necessarily mean I got to stop. It did not automatically mean comfort, attention, or care. Most of the time, it meant taking something and pushing through. So, of course, that became the way I treated myself.

As I was trying not to suffocate through my inflamed nostrils, all these memories came flooding back, and suddenly I was like:

Holy shit. I have been treating myself how my mom treated me.

Every time I worked when I was sick, exercised through an injury, ignored exhaustion, or kept pushing when I was one minor inconvenience away from losing my shit, I was repeating her pattern of ignoring my needs.

No. I’m not doing this anymore.

I could not go back and give Little Me the care she should have gotten. But I could stop withholding it from Adult Me.

I turned my TLC up a notch and decided to take a nap. Then, I grounded in some grass outside. Then, I read (reading is something I love to do but rarely make time for, because you know, I’m too busy….).

None of this was dramatic, but for someone who learned that her needs weren’t a priority, it felt revolutionary.

And you know what? It felt fucking amazing.

And this pattern can follow you straight into your money.

If you learned that your needs came second, you may also struggle to ask for more, charge what you want, rest without guilt, or receive support without immediately feeling like you deserve it.

You may work yourself into the ground before you feel “allowed” to make more money, even if you’re already exhausted, because growing up you may have gotten more praise, attention, or approval when you were productive, helpful, or impressive.

You may spend six extra hours polishing a client deliverable that was already more than good enough, even if they never asked for anything beyond the original scope, because growing up mistakes may have been criticized more than effort was appreciated, so overdelivering became a way to protect yourself from being judged, disappointing someone, or being seen as not good enough.

You may keep taking on more, doing everything yourself, and refusing support, even if you’re exhausted and resentful that nobody ever seems to help, because growing up needing help may have felt inconvenient, ignored, or less rewarded than being the capable one, so hyper-independence became the version of you that felt safest and easiest to love.

Your childhood stories leave clues in your money behavior.

I still don’t totally believe every shitty thing happens because the universe has lovingly placed a lesson underneath it with a huge bow.

Sometimes a sinus infection is just a sinus infection. But I do believe we get to decide what we do with what happens.

For most of my life, I thought happiness being a “choice” meant pretending bad things didn’t hurt, forcing myself to be positive, or spiritually bypassing pain with affirmations, crystals, and good vibes.

Now I believe that happiness is choosing not to abandon myself when life gets hard.

It’s noticing that I’m exhausted and resting instead of making myself prove I’ve earned it, taking care of my body instead of treating it like a machine whose only job is to keep producing, and recognizing an old pattern that isn’t working for me anymore and saying:

No. I’m not doing this to myself anymore.

So maybe the real questions are:

What is this showing you about the way you’ve been treating yourself?

Where are you still being harder on yourself than you would ever be with someone you love?

Where are you ignoring a need because you learned that being strong meant not having needs?

Where are you still reenacting someone else’s treatment of you and calling it discipline, productivity, independence, or “just how I am”?

Sometimes growth can look like canceling your workout, closing your laptop, taking a fucking nap, and realizing that loving yourself is not something you have to earn.

You are worth taking care of.

Insight Is Cute. Now Act.

Realizing you’ve been treating yourself the way other people once treated you is powerful.

But the real question is:

What are you going to do differently now that you can see it?

This week, catch one moment where you’re about to ignore a need:

Your body hurts, but you work out anyway because skipping a day makes you feel lazy, even if your body is practically begging you to stop.

You need help but immediately decide it’s easier to do everything yourself, even if doing everything yourself is exactly why you’re exhausted.

You want to say no but start rearranging your entire life so nobody else has to be inconvenienced, even if you’re the one who ends up stressed and resentful.

You’re undercharging, overdelivering, or overworking because some part of you still thinks being useful is what makes you worthy, even if you’re already giving far more than anyone actually asked for.

Then ask yourself:

What do I actually need right now?

Why am I having such a hard time giving it to myself?

Who taught me that this need was inconvenient, weak, selfish, lazy, or too much?

And here’s the big one:

Am I taking care of myself, or am I repeating the way somebody else failed to take care of me?

Then do one thing differently, like close the laptop, skip the workout, ask for help, say no, or take the fucking nap.

Because self-love is not something you prove you deserve after you’ve run yourself into the ground.

Okay, But Now What?

If this made you realize you’ve been treating yourself like your needs don’t matter, start with the story underneath the behavior.

Because there is usually a reason you keep pushing through exhaustion, doing everything yourself, overworking, undercharging, or acting like rest and support are luxuries you have to earn first.

And once you can see the childhood story underneath it, you can finally stop mistaking it for “just how I am” and start changing the way it shows up in your work, money, and life.

That’s exactly why I created my free Money Story Finder. It helps you trace where your money story started, spot how it’s still showing up now, and question whether Adult You actually believes it anymore.

👉 Download the free The Money Story Finder eBook here: https://www.runninginslippers.com/email

P.S. Being the “easygoing one” might be costing you a hell of a lot more than you realize.

Every time you say “no worries” when you’re actually pissed, take on more work because you don’t want to disappoint anyone, or pretend something doesn’t bother you just to keep the peace, you could be paying for it with your peace, paycheck, and identity.

In this video, I’m breaking down how being the dependable, low-maintenance, “I can handle it” person can turn into self-abandonment, and why the resentment you’ve been carrying might actually be telling you something important.

Plus, I’m sharing a simple action step to help you catch this pattern before you automatically abandon yourself to make someone else comfortable.

👉 Watch: People Pleasing is Making You Resentful (And Costing You Money): https://youtu.be/1SYlUUDFtQY

With Love & Fire,

Angie

https://www.innerglowbyangie.com/

I help you rewrite the childhood stories that are keeping Adult You quiet, overworked, and underpaid, so you can say what you fu*king mean, know your worth, and make more money.

Because you deserve to feel excited about your own life.

Through my signature GLOW Method, I combine money story rewriting, identity work, practical money strategy, and real-time action to help women stop playing small, use their voice with confidence, and become the kind of woman who naturally attracts more money, opportunities, visibility, and fulfillment.

I’m the author of Running in Slippers, a raw and vulnerable memoir about my journey from self-loathing and a suicide attempt to self-love and thriving. Life kicked me in the a$$, and, in hindsight, I needed it to.

I have moved from Chicago to Hawaii on my own, jumped out of a helicopter and into the ocean Navy SEAL-style, bungee jumped, skydived, and cliff jumped, yet I am still terrified about allowing myself to be seen.